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Friday, July 11, 2003
Chapter One- The day clown trousers and fireman boots (covered in cow crap) became the latest fashion.
The sun was high in the sky, the birds were singing and there was a light breeze that lifted the leaves and rustled through the trees. However, it was 8:30 in the morning. On a Saturday. And the "light breeze" was ruffling its way through my hair. Great. Why we were made to meet at this god-earthly hour, I don’t know, but it was obviously the creation of some sadistic person out there.
When we all met up, the morale was high. Sure the bags were heavy, but to us they seemed perfectly manageable. For the first few paces of course. Then, the sheer weight of the bags would kick in and the stabbing pains on the shoulders would start. However, with a positive attitude, one can achieve anything so we grimly bore our burdens quietly and waited for the instructor to arrive with Alexa.
As the car pulled up, Alexa got out of the car as quickly as possible having already met our instructor. Telling by the scowl on Alexa’s face, our day was becoming even more enjoyable with the addition of our "I'm-a-professional-walker-so-listen-to-me-state-the-obvious" assessor. As she strolled out the car to meet us all, she greeted us with a simple greeting that could only be described as "professional". "Is anyone on their you-know-what?" So, the woman with whom we are spending the rest of the day with happens to be scared of the p-word. Also, she appears to be wearing some bizarre concoction that’s somewhere between Oxfam chic and potato sack designer wear. Oh, the day was just getting better and better.
When we set off, we mutually decided to make the best of a bad situation. However, after walking for several minutes down the main road, we were stopped by the "professional walker" and were told that we were going in the wrong direction. And the reason why you didn’t tell us this BEFORE we wasted our energy was? After getting back on track and on the right track, we were well into our D of E practice expedition. We saw an unbelievably cute rabbit and shocked our assessor with our shrieks of delight that were apparently "not appropriate". However, after being told that no, we could not take it with us, we left the rabbit to the mercy of the elements.
Trudging through the fields we were told to keep to the edge because the weeds and nettles that grew in the field may have been "crops". Our feet were beginning to hurt and Zoë decided to start a song to get us in the "D of E mood".
"My name is Zoë and I'm doing of D of E, In front of me, is Chrissy"
"My name is Chrissy Whitehead, I’d rather be in my bed" and so forth. It actually started to work and as Ents was beginning the next round, everyone fell silent as a man approached. Hmm, should we run and hide, or smile and pretend that we’re doing this voluntarily? Neither sounded appealing to us so we carried on silently. The man, oblivious to our torture stopped us to talk even though we all knew it was our assessor, Dr Wall that he really wanted to "talk" to. He began mindless conversation and even though we were glad of a rest, his god damn dog got some bizarre kick out of shoving its nose into our crotches.
The minutes passed and he asked us where we were from and where we were going. Strangely enough we all told him even though it’s common knowledge that you should NEVER give your details to strangers. He seemed to make little jokes that were apparently meant to be funny and we were on the verge of deserting Dr Wall and her new man-friend. However, the dog started the crotch-sniffing trick on Dr Wall, which lead to her deciding that we really had to go as we were "wasting valuable time". Duh, I'm a "professional", I state the obvious to make me look like Im actually worth the money im being paid.
After walking for a while, we reached a field. The field was large, fresh, spacious, and picturesque. Oh and did I mention, filled with cows? Well, we weren’t exactly sure of what they were, as some of them appeared to have horns the size of tree-trunks attached to their heads. We held our breath and decided to quietly make for the corner of the field. However, halfway across, we realised that our rucksacks were red and in terror, we desperately tried to cover them. Hmmm, so much for the quiet and calm approach. Dithering amongst the grass we encountered yet another terror. Cow pats the size of dinner plates with the consistency of gloopy cement. Delightful. After reaching the other side and clambering over the stile we found ourselves in yet another field. This time cow-free but instead it was crammed full with long-grass. All of us were reminded of the spectacular scene from Jurassic Park II and Zoë took great pleasure in shouting, "Don’t go through the long grass!" in that bizarre Indian-Russian accent. However, that too was not "appropriate". Walking through the field was not very entertaining but our hopes soared as we caught sight of civilisation again in the form of a golf course.
Going through the golf course, we received many glances from the golfers who were blatantly admiring our stunning DofE outfits, complete with fluorescent camping mats and sexy hiking boots. Trampling across the green was perilous as there were golf balls flying past from all angles. We hoped that Dr Wall would win the "first to get hit by a golf ball" game but alas, she was rather agile for a woman her age. Walking past the "exclusive" clubhouse the DofE song tried to make a comeback but we were told to "shush!" by some old ladies who were immediately proclaimed as *cough snobs cough* by Chrissy, who then realised that her Dad was also a member and that his car was in the car park.
After surviving the perils of the golf course, we began the long and arduous trek up Coomb hill. We were silent as we trudged through the leaves, whoever’s idea it was to go up the steepest side of the hill was obviously desperately thinking of someone else to blame it on. As we got to the top, we experienced our first encounter with a kissing-gate. After many desperate attempts at trying to squeeze through with our bulky bags, we realised that the gap was too small for us to pass through. What were we going to do? Then, "the professional" said that we should remove our bags and proceed. Unwillingly, we took off our bags and slowly made our way through the gate one by one. However all hell broke out and our gate-crossing speed suddenly achieved an all new high when we realised that there were members of the male species approaching rapidly. It was ironic that we were running away from them when on a normal day we would be in fact chasing after them. But obviously not screaming "RUN RUN RUN!" like insane lunatics. We managed to press on and were a distance away from the male group when Dr Wall decided that it was time to stop for lunch. Now you’re talking our language.
The "picnic" was great as the food was given that extra countryside touch by the means of crawling and flying insects. Yum. After lunch we all realised that we needed to go to "go pee-pee" and we could choose out of the large variety of toilets. That prickly bush, that bush in the mud or that tiny bush that only came up to our knees. Hmm, choices. We all hoped that that male group which was not far behind would not make a guest appearance. After many amusing minutes of confusion, we each went into our cubicles and came out laughing and giggling insanely. Oh the delights of mooning at Mother Nature.
We set off again but the weight of the bags was taking its toll. During an enjoyable walk downhill, Zoë took a fall and after rolling a while, she ended up stuck on her back with her legs and arms flailing in the air like a turtle. After that incident, she was then used as an example of "teamwork" or something like that and even though none of us understood what Dr Wall was talking about we all smiled, nodded and just hoped that no one else would fall and roll down the hill.
After many hours of weary trudging we finally reached Green Park and we were all glad to see signs of civilisation. Surprisingly, according to Dr Wall we were the 3rd group there and the first girl group. Whoopdeedoo. We really didn’t care because all we wanted to do was shake off our weirdo assessor so we could rest. However, our dream of having that well deserved break was dashed, as we had to put up our tent instead. That was decidedly harder than we thought it would be seeing that our tent decided to blow away in the wind. Imagine a green tent blowing around a field with 7 small people running insanely after it screaming and cursing. No, apparently that was not "appropriate" either. That scene would have made a great picture, pity we "misplaced" the camera.
After our tent was up, the other groups had arrived. We ate dinner, which consisted of burnt yet uncooked rice, which actually turned out to be edible. Everyone was hungry and ate quite quickly apart from Zoë who appeared to inhale the contents of her bowl in seconds. I think you can guess who got to eat the rest of the meal. We all split up for the rest of the evening and went our own ways. Harriet, Alexa and Hollie went for walks. Eleanor and Chrissy went to play football/handball and Zoë went to join her fellow crazy people on the other side of the field. After an interesting evening we found our way to our tents in the darkness and fell asleep.
It was 4’o clock and everyone was woken by the sound of talking. In the green tent, Zoë who had woken up, discovered that she could not feel her nose due to the intense cold and delightedly informed her tent-mates who buried their heads in their sleeping bags and tried to sleep. However, the talking did not stop and eventually there was a gradual build-up of cursing coming from Group 11. Still the talking carried on and Group 9 were woken up from their pleasant dreams into their worst nightmares. Imagine dreaming about being back at home on the sofa watching TV and then waking up in a freezing tent to a steady stream of swear words coming from all around and some lunatic shouting "I CAN'T FEEL MY NOSE!" at regular intervals. Not exactly the most courteous of awakenings.
Then Group 9 joined in the conflict and started shouting at Group 11 who were shouting at the people talking. This then woke up Groups 7, 8 and 12 who then started shouting at Group 9 for shouting at Group 10 for shouting at the people who were talking. Just when things were about to get really heated, Zoë decided to put an end to this by defying the "freezignuss" and getting out of the tent. She was escorted by Christina and after they established the offending tent they randomly banged on the walls. Chrissy began with "Please can you be quiet" but was interrupted by Zoë who promptly threatened to come in there and make them shut up. This happened to work and suddenly the tent was quiet. As Chrissy and Zoë walked off, the tent then erupted into chatter again. This then led to Zoë running as fast as she could in her clodhopper boots, towards the tent with all the intentions of kicking it down and ripping it into shreds. However Chrissy managed to restrain her and they went back to the Group 11 sector and fell asleep again.
After a hearty breakfast of cereal bars and watery tea (avec bits of grass) Group 11 were packing and getting ready to go. This day looked to be better seeing that the "professional walker" would not accompany them. Group 11 had a quick kit check and then we were off into the wild. However, our enthusiasm for walking had long gone and we were now cursing the stupid inventor of the D of E award and it never occurred to us that it might actually be the Duke himself.
Later, after walking quite a while we heard some lame interpretation of Spandeau Ballet and were consequently joined by Group 1 who were in such a good mood that was not possible on D of E unless under the influence of alcohol. Their mood seemed to rub off on us but alas, we had to part and we turned into a field while they stopped for a break. The field was full of cute little black cows with cute little noses and don’t forget the cute cow crap that they had kindly dumped in the footpath. We were wrong. The cows appeared to have never seen walkers before and some started to follow us as we went up the field. We remembered the advice we were given and we all decided to stay still until they had lost interest. We would have been fine if the god dam cows hadn’t started to snort and wave their heads at us. This freaked out Harriet, Eleanor and Hollie who began to run towards the stile as fast as they could. So much for the "staying still". This then led to the rest of the cows running after the three of them. The rest of us stood dead still and the cows ran straight past us waving their heads and mooing like there was no tomorrow. Luckily they got to the stile in time and as they scrambled over, the cows all decided to crowd around the stile and watch them trying to communicate frantically with the rest of the group who were now stranded in the middle of the field. Lets just say that Alexa, Danielle, Christina and Zoë were not very happy bunnies.
WILL THEY GET OUT OF THE FIELD IN ONE PIECE? FIND OUT WHEN I CAN BE BOTHERED TO FINISH THIS!
The sun was high in the sky, the birds were singing and there was a light breeze that lifted the leaves and rustled through the trees. However, it was 8:30 in the morning. On a Saturday. And the "light breeze" was ruffling its way through my hair. Great. Why we were made to meet at this god-earthly hour, I don’t know, but it was obviously the creation of some sadistic person out there.
When we all met up, the morale was high. Sure the bags were heavy, but to us they seemed perfectly manageable. For the first few paces of course. Then, the sheer weight of the bags would kick in and the stabbing pains on the shoulders would start. However, with a positive attitude, one can achieve anything so we grimly bore our burdens quietly and waited for the instructor to arrive with Alexa.
As the car pulled up, Alexa got out of the car as quickly as possible having already met our instructor. Telling by the scowl on Alexa’s face, our day was becoming even more enjoyable with the addition of our "I'm-a-professional-walker-so-listen-to-me-state-the-obvious" assessor. As she strolled out the car to meet us all, she greeted us with a simple greeting that could only be described as "professional". "Is anyone on their you-know-what?" So, the woman with whom we are spending the rest of the day with happens to be scared of the p-word. Also, she appears to be wearing some bizarre concoction that’s somewhere between Oxfam chic and potato sack designer wear. Oh, the day was just getting better and better.
When we set off, we mutually decided to make the best of a bad situation. However, after walking for several minutes down the main road, we were stopped by the "professional walker" and were told that we were going in the wrong direction. And the reason why you didn’t tell us this BEFORE we wasted our energy was? After getting back on track and on the right track, we were well into our D of E practice expedition. We saw an unbelievably cute rabbit and shocked our assessor with our shrieks of delight that were apparently "not appropriate". However, after being told that no, we could not take it with us, we left the rabbit to the mercy of the elements.
Trudging through the fields we were told to keep to the edge because the weeds and nettles that grew in the field may have been "crops". Our feet were beginning to hurt and Zoë decided to start a song to get us in the "D of E mood".
"My name is Zoë and I'm doing of D of E, In front of me, is Chrissy"
"My name is Chrissy Whitehead, I’d rather be in my bed" and so forth. It actually started to work and as Ents was beginning the next round, everyone fell silent as a man approached. Hmm, should we run and hide, or smile and pretend that we’re doing this voluntarily? Neither sounded appealing to us so we carried on silently. The man, oblivious to our torture stopped us to talk even though we all knew it was our assessor, Dr Wall that he really wanted to "talk" to. He began mindless conversation and even though we were glad of a rest, his god damn dog got some bizarre kick out of shoving its nose into our crotches.
The minutes passed and he asked us where we were from and where we were going. Strangely enough we all told him even though it’s common knowledge that you should NEVER give your details to strangers. He seemed to make little jokes that were apparently meant to be funny and we were on the verge of deserting Dr Wall and her new man-friend. However, the dog started the crotch-sniffing trick on Dr Wall, which lead to her deciding that we really had to go as we were "wasting valuable time". Duh, I'm a "professional", I state the obvious to make me look like Im actually worth the money im being paid.
After walking for a while, we reached a field. The field was large, fresh, spacious, and picturesque. Oh and did I mention, filled with cows? Well, we weren’t exactly sure of what they were, as some of them appeared to have horns the size of tree-trunks attached to their heads. We held our breath and decided to quietly make for the corner of the field. However, halfway across, we realised that our rucksacks were red and in terror, we desperately tried to cover them. Hmmm, so much for the quiet and calm approach. Dithering amongst the grass we encountered yet another terror. Cow pats the size of dinner plates with the consistency of gloopy cement. Delightful. After reaching the other side and clambering over the stile we found ourselves in yet another field. This time cow-free but instead it was crammed full with long-grass. All of us were reminded of the spectacular scene from Jurassic Park II and Zoë took great pleasure in shouting, "Don’t go through the long grass!" in that bizarre Indian-Russian accent. However, that too was not "appropriate". Walking through the field was not very entertaining but our hopes soared as we caught sight of civilisation again in the form of a golf course.
Going through the golf course, we received many glances from the golfers who were blatantly admiring our stunning DofE outfits, complete with fluorescent camping mats and sexy hiking boots. Trampling across the green was perilous as there were golf balls flying past from all angles. We hoped that Dr Wall would win the "first to get hit by a golf ball" game but alas, she was rather agile for a woman her age. Walking past the "exclusive" clubhouse the DofE song tried to make a comeback but we were told to "shush!" by some old ladies who were immediately proclaimed as *cough snobs cough* by Chrissy, who then realised that her Dad was also a member and that his car was in the car park.
After surviving the perils of the golf course, we began the long and arduous trek up Coomb hill. We were silent as we trudged through the leaves, whoever’s idea it was to go up the steepest side of the hill was obviously desperately thinking of someone else to blame it on. As we got to the top, we experienced our first encounter with a kissing-gate. After many desperate attempts at trying to squeeze through with our bulky bags, we realised that the gap was too small for us to pass through. What were we going to do? Then, "the professional" said that we should remove our bags and proceed. Unwillingly, we took off our bags and slowly made our way through the gate one by one. However all hell broke out and our gate-crossing speed suddenly achieved an all new high when we realised that there were members of the male species approaching rapidly. It was ironic that we were running away from them when on a normal day we would be in fact chasing after them. But obviously not screaming "RUN RUN RUN!" like insane lunatics. We managed to press on and were a distance away from the male group when Dr Wall decided that it was time to stop for lunch. Now you’re talking our language.
The "picnic" was great as the food was given that extra countryside touch by the means of crawling and flying insects. Yum. After lunch we all realised that we needed to go to "go pee-pee" and we could choose out of the large variety of toilets. That prickly bush, that bush in the mud or that tiny bush that only came up to our knees. Hmm, choices. We all hoped that that male group which was not far behind would not make a guest appearance. After many amusing minutes of confusion, we each went into our cubicles and came out laughing and giggling insanely. Oh the delights of mooning at Mother Nature.
We set off again but the weight of the bags was taking its toll. During an enjoyable walk downhill, Zoë took a fall and after rolling a while, she ended up stuck on her back with her legs and arms flailing in the air like a turtle. After that incident, she was then used as an example of "teamwork" or something like that and even though none of us understood what Dr Wall was talking about we all smiled, nodded and just hoped that no one else would fall and roll down the hill.
After many hours of weary trudging we finally reached Green Park and we were all glad to see signs of civilisation. Surprisingly, according to Dr Wall we were the 3rd group there and the first girl group. Whoopdeedoo. We really didn’t care because all we wanted to do was shake off our weirdo assessor so we could rest. However, our dream of having that well deserved break was dashed, as we had to put up our tent instead. That was decidedly harder than we thought it would be seeing that our tent decided to blow away in the wind. Imagine a green tent blowing around a field with 7 small people running insanely after it screaming and cursing. No, apparently that was not "appropriate" either. That scene would have made a great picture, pity we "misplaced" the camera.
After our tent was up, the other groups had arrived. We ate dinner, which consisted of burnt yet uncooked rice, which actually turned out to be edible. Everyone was hungry and ate quite quickly apart from Zoë who appeared to inhale the contents of her bowl in seconds. I think you can guess who got to eat the rest of the meal. We all split up for the rest of the evening and went our own ways. Harriet, Alexa and Hollie went for walks. Eleanor and Chrissy went to play football/handball and Zoë went to join her fellow crazy people on the other side of the field. After an interesting evening we found our way to our tents in the darkness and fell asleep.
It was 4’o clock and everyone was woken by the sound of talking. In the green tent, Zoë who had woken up, discovered that she could not feel her nose due to the intense cold and delightedly informed her tent-mates who buried their heads in their sleeping bags and tried to sleep. However, the talking did not stop and eventually there was a gradual build-up of cursing coming from Group 11. Still the talking carried on and Group 9 were woken up from their pleasant dreams into their worst nightmares. Imagine dreaming about being back at home on the sofa watching TV and then waking up in a freezing tent to a steady stream of swear words coming from all around and some lunatic shouting "I CAN'T FEEL MY NOSE!" at regular intervals. Not exactly the most courteous of awakenings.
Then Group 9 joined in the conflict and started shouting at Group 11 who were shouting at the people talking. This then woke up Groups 7, 8 and 12 who then started shouting at Group 9 for shouting at Group 10 for shouting at the people who were talking. Just when things were about to get really heated, Zoë decided to put an end to this by defying the "freezignuss" and getting out of the tent. She was escorted by Christina and after they established the offending tent they randomly banged on the walls. Chrissy began with "Please can you be quiet" but was interrupted by Zoë who promptly threatened to come in there and make them shut up. This happened to work and suddenly the tent was quiet. As Chrissy and Zoë walked off, the tent then erupted into chatter again. This then led to Zoë running as fast as she could in her clodhopper boots, towards the tent with all the intentions of kicking it down and ripping it into shreds. However Chrissy managed to restrain her and they went back to the Group 11 sector and fell asleep again.
After a hearty breakfast of cereal bars and watery tea (avec bits of grass) Group 11 were packing and getting ready to go. This day looked to be better seeing that the "professional walker" would not accompany them. Group 11 had a quick kit check and then we were off into the wild. However, our enthusiasm for walking had long gone and we were now cursing the stupid inventor of the D of E award and it never occurred to us that it might actually be the Duke himself.
Later, after walking quite a while we heard some lame interpretation of Spandeau Ballet and were consequently joined by Group 1 who were in such a good mood that was not possible on D of E unless under the influence of alcohol. Their mood seemed to rub off on us but alas, we had to part and we turned into a field while they stopped for a break. The field was full of cute little black cows with cute little noses and don’t forget the cute cow crap that they had kindly dumped in the footpath. We were wrong. The cows appeared to have never seen walkers before and some started to follow us as we went up the field. We remembered the advice we were given and we all decided to stay still until they had lost interest. We would have been fine if the god dam cows hadn’t started to snort and wave their heads at us. This freaked out Harriet, Eleanor and Hollie who began to run towards the stile as fast as they could. So much for the "staying still". This then led to the rest of the cows running after the three of them. The rest of us stood dead still and the cows ran straight past us waving their heads and mooing like there was no tomorrow. Luckily they got to the stile in time and as they scrambled over, the cows all decided to crowd around the stile and watch them trying to communicate frantically with the rest of the group who were now stranded in the middle of the field. Lets just say that Alexa, Danielle, Christina and Zoë were not very happy bunnies.
WILL THEY GET OUT OF THE FIELD IN ONE PIECE? FIND OUT WHEN I CAN BE BOTHERED TO FINISH THIS!
