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Friday, January 13, 2006

**The day I left Boots. Unforgettable.**

Many of you will have asked what my SN "DurexPlay SHAME! Coming soon!" will have been about. Again, i repeat, "coming soon" is not indicative of the possible events. (thanks for the endless wit)

Okay, I know most of you are in the middle of exams, so I thought I'd cheer you up with another hilarious yet utterly humilating story. I've given up working during the exam season (never fear, i'll return in feb) but on my last saturday there, fate decided to let me go out with ... well you'll see...

Of course, embarassing scenarios and events seem to gravitate their way towards me so this will probably not come as a surprise to you. But I give you permission to read this, possibly picture it in your mind, and - if you feel you HAVE to. If you REALLY feel inclined to. You may laugh. Laugh in all your entirety at its complete and utter ... stupidity.

So, here the story begins.

My darling place of work that is Boots PLC was quiet one Saturday afternoon.

I was standing at the till, happily pricing away the reduced items when MissD comes up to me with the utmost look of glee on her face. Note. This often happens when she's seen someone purchase something they SO shouldn't, or when she's seen something we sell that's got a funny name, or something we can easily poke fun at. (Basically, anything we'll find remotely amusing I suppose)
"I think we need to price this" she says holding out her hand.
I reach out, palm up, to take what she's handing me and she SLAPS it into my hand.
My hand tingles from the slap.
nd still tingles. No wait a minute.. my whole HAND is shaking! But it doesnt hurt like a normal slap does.
Then i realised. It's not actually my hand, but what she handed me.


Sighing with dread, I opened my hand to reveal.

Yes mates. This is a vibrating sexual aid. A VSA as we dubbed it.
And this particular vibrating sexual aid was doing it's thing right in the middle of my hand.

Caught completely unaware I flipped my palm up to the ceiling and it landed on the counter with a soft tszz, continuing to vibrate within it's packaging. Slowly, I raised myself off the floor until I came eye level with the counter.
Tszz... tszz... tszz - the packet was walking towards me.


Now, to describe a moment like this is very difficult but imagine my shock of experiencing the bringing-to-life of a BRIGHT PINK condom packet (that's essentially what it looks like)

You know those joke boxes where you press a button and it starts shouting and shaking as if there's someone trapped inside?

Okay, just when i'd got adjusted to what had happened (of course MissD didn't mean to turn it on) - we assessed the situation.
"Err Zoe...how does it switch off?"

Two minutes and numerous attempts later, we concluded that no amount of hitting it or slapping it on the counter was going to work.
Another minute later, we also realised that squeezing it had no effect whatsoever apart from aggravating the vibrations to tszZZZZz...

Just about to announce another cunning plan when a certain customer heads towards the till. (HINT There are four shops bordering Boots that are filled with predominantly young male workers)
* Cue the FRANTIC shuffling and sweeping away of ANYTHING that could appear suspicious to the unsuspecting customer *

And so, whilst the customer is experiencing possibly THE fastest check out of his items ever. (And i'll care to rephrase that...) Haha so, WHILST we're scanning his goods (Oh my, I am having a FIELD day on this .. :/)

Third time lucky (for both our sakes)

Whilst we're doing our job, the pink packet is continuing to vibrate in it's packaging on the floor, blissfully unaware of whats happening above it. I'll have you know it's very hard to maintain a straight face no only while there's a VSA humming faintly in the background, but in addition to that, when it's crashing into your foot like an attention seeking puppy.

Finally, the customer goes, and scooping up the packet, I take it over to the No7 Counter to see if anyone can turn the thing off.
No luck.
All squeezing and pressing has little effect when you can't actually see inside the packet. There's a nice diagram on the back of the packet on how it works, but as nice and "straightforward" as it seems its USELESS we can't seem to "feel" the on/off switch. Nice work MissD :S

*sigh* Final port of call. Authority.

Oh, you have NO idea how embarassing this was to explain. You can imagine I'm sure.
Particularly as my boss is now male. (Note - by saying "now" i'm not implying he's a she-he, it's a new one)

This is becoming quite a lengthy story now, and i'm sure you've had enough fun.
The epilogue?

In the end, we cut the packet open, turned off the VSA (i still have NO idea how we managed to turn it on)

And back I went to my pricing...

Now, IF you ever happen to go into my Boots and see on the shelf, a pink packet. Badly taped and bound with cellotape and a makeshift packet. And a large sticker saying £1 on it....

You will know why :)

PS We had to make it cheaper due to the opened packaging. Oh yeah, and the fact that about half of it's "20 minutes of vibration" had actually gone ....

I love my life...

# posted by Zoe Dubs @ 1/13/2006 05:58:00 pm
I've always wondered if you actually ever do any work.
So what is it exactly? Like a vibrating cock-ring, or what?
HAHAHAHAHA, no doubt if i worked there summut like dat wud happen 2 me,but zoe, wudnt it hv been so much more productive if ud hv chucked it under summut and claimed no knowledge of the item? but then that wudnt hv been as interesting a story i guess. gota lova ya zo
ROFL this one made me piss myself (not litrelly) That must of been well awkward to ask ur boss! Lou xxxxx
i wonder if anyone bought it in the end?
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